Hell or High Water Perfect (I)


25th August 2012.

Olajide’s Residence

This was just another reason why weddings would ever remain a censured fixture in Jide’s life.  He swore he would never be caught dead in another wedding again. Alex had just called from Abuja where he and Susan, his new bride would be honeymooning for the next one week to inform him that they had just checked into a hotel in Maitama and were  settling in nicely. Jide’s active participation in Alex’s wedding was an oddity, an exception to the rule just like his sister’s had been five months ago. As a principle, he avoided weddings like a plague and he would have side-stepped this one too if the circumstances were any different.  He had disregarded four wedding invitations from other friends this year alone. There were two more outstanding invitations to ignore before the year wound out and his decision on these two was already cast in stone. He had a fool-proof alibi ready for occasions like this. But sadly his anti-marriage stance couldn’t stand up to his loyalty and the lifetime of friendship and brotherhood he shared with Alex. They hadn’t even discussed it; it was a foregone conclusion that needed not be broached. This was as of yet the ultimate height of double-facedness Jide had been embroiled in throughout his thirty years of living. Even his sister, Bukky’s wedding had given him room to wiggle but Alex’s case was air tight. He was at the very eye of the storm.

In spite of his gripes with the whole marriage hassle, he had managed fairly well but in truth there was nothing natural about filling the commodious shoe as Alex’s best man. The past two months had been a busy one for Jide; juggling his tedious workloads at the bank, compounded by the preparation toward the last phase of his ICAN exam and the wedding planning- those endless stream of tuxedo fittings, aso-ebi unionism, bachelor party and all the works.  It was an exhausting experience.  Alex had wanted a simple wedding at first, Susan wanted a grand one. At the end it was a grand wedding Susan got.

Jide had whined to Alex ceaselessly in the weeks leading up to this day.

“Even the simplest of these formal consummations in the name of marriage isn’t worth the trouble,” he’d said on one occasion.

“That is what we want.” had been Alex’s retort. The force of Alex’s resolve had surprised Jide. Eventually he had to swallow the bitter pill and go with the flow.

He’d been involved in two of these unnecessary showings this year; his sister’s wedding in March and then this one. What he found most troubling was the endemic mode in which his friends were jumping on the marriage wagon these days. Alex’s wedding was the final blow.

He wondered why people were so fixated on this thing called marriage. Why is companionship not enough?

As these thoughts roamed through Jide’s mind, he watched Mimi, his live-in girlfriend of three years turn on her side on the king size bed reading a book by one of those delusional romance writers. They hadn’t spoken much since they came back from the wedding some two hours ago which was rather strange and ominous.  It felt like eternity. He knew this was her reaction to the upheavals they’ve been having in their relationship since Bukky’s wedding in March. She was like an active volcano about to erupt, just simmering beneath the calm surface. The whole I-do hassle had begun to give Mimi the marriage itch, the one thing he couldn’t give and this was beginning to take its toll on their relationship.   He hated these fights; he hated it when she was like this. If he could he would acquiesce to her bidding but he could not.  His aversion toward marriage was far too deeply rooted. Why ruin a good thing in the name of conformity. Why couldn’t they just live in the moment instead of searching for some illusory bliss in marriage? She was his everything. He couldn’t think of life without her, as clichéd as that sounded.  No woman measured up to her. No woman will ever do.

One thousand and twenty four days and today was the record. An astonishing record of his fidelity! He’d not known any other woman sexually. That was a tall feat for him, he a one-time philanderer who once hopped from one girl to the other frittering the seed of his virility like a ripe pollen. His appetite for women was like the quest for the holy grail- unending and forever elusive but that was all in the past now.  Mimi was his elixir, the wholesome spice that precluded the varieties and put paid to his carnal quests. She was his miracle, his cure.

How in God’s name did I get so lucky?  He thought to himself.

Right from the day the news of Alex and Susan’s engagement broke out to the planning and preparations that led to the wedding proper, the tension had been building like a heap of sand, unstable in the wind. There had been little sparks, snide remarks, cursory slurs and little outrages between them but nothing frontal or earth shattering. They’d learnt to dance around the flames; two years of living together had taught them that. But tonight it appeared like the heaven was about to collapse.

The wedding was a success. Jide was glad it was all behind him now. He was emotionally exhausted. It was a lot of work putting up a happy front when all the while he was seething inwardly with disapproval. He’d worn a superficial mask throughout the ceremony, chatting amiably with guests, smiling and laughing at the dry jokes of the Master of Ceremony. Even his toast at the reception was uncharacteristically effusive; a persona he had reserved for his poetry. He almost sneered during the exchange of vows in Church. He had a vision of his hand rising above his head as the wizened cleric read the marriage Miranda.

Anybody who is opposed to the union between these two: Alex Adebowale Akinshiyan and Susan Ebelechukwu Okoh – should speak out now or forever remain silent.

It took the sheer strength of his will to keep his hand down. In fact the whole thing was a huge tussle of willpower. Alex was a good sport throughout, cheering and teasing him the whole time. Only Alex and Mimi saw through the genial charade. More than once, Alex had even reminded him to wear a smile.

It was sad enough that his traditional role as the best man was crucial to the success of the wedding.  It was awkward still that his girlfriend of three years, Mimi was the one member of the bridal train who kept slipping into the Chief bridesmaid’s role like it was her fate to be by his side.

And guess who had to catch the damn bouquet at the reception?  Yeah it just had to be her again, like some unforeseen forces were bent on rubbing Alex’s wedding on her face and by extension making his night a miserable one. And from all indications, they were succeeding. Those phantom spirits, succeeding in making his angel turn her back against him on this cold night.

She hadn’t even strove for the bouquet though. In fact she was sitting by herself massaging her feet to ease the pain from the dangerous stiletto she had bought for the occasion- but which he was now pretty sure would never see the light of day again- when the bouquet flew past the bevy of single ladies clamoring for the damn thing and fell flat at her bare feet.

“Jide who!” the exuberant Alex had screamed, only for the guys to join in, chanting his name riotously like some enfante terribles in a playhouse.

Mimi’s phone buzzed on the night stand and broke into his thought. She reluctantly closed the book she’d been reading, disabled the alarm sound and flicked off the hanging switch on her side of the bed. They both lay on the bed in silence, each one with his or her thought.  The tension in the room was a dead weight. The day wore on infinitely longer than was possible. Things appeared to be moving in slow motion as the day drew to a close. Sleep was definitely slow in coming.  It felt like it had been thirty hours since that morning. Jide’s body ached from the grueling exertion of the day. He had a sense of foreboding that the night lay longer still. It didn’t help that sleep had connived with Mimi to push him to the brink of his endurance. Her scant negligee revealed the contours of her body through the flimsy bodice. She had called it her sexy armor the day she first wore it.

“A gift for you,” she’d added lewdly.

”How can it ever be a gift for me when you have it on?”  Jide had argued, a wicked smile on his face.

“Oh it’s a gift for you alright. Feel it.” She had led his hands to her waist and watched as his hands caressed her body through the slippery satin. It had felt so good at the time and the scanty thing had proven quite a worthy accessory for the foreplay.

© Wole-Fash  Dimeji  2012


2 thoughts on “Hell or High Water Perfect (I)

    1. Thanks bro. Yea I did give it a wide berth after the completion to detatch myself from the story for good editing but truth is, I still see some things that I feel should have been included, or expressed differently. Left to me, this would never be really finished if I kept at it.

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